


Not the Boss of Me

by HeroMaggie



Series: The Crazy Adventures of Gia and Maggie in Kirkwall [3]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Anders is a sweetheart, Cracky Friend Fic, F/M, Fenris Bites, Fluff and silliness, Hawke is a loving goofball, M/M, Maggie does NOT approve of Templars, Shopping with Isabela, This is just an excuse for my friend to laugh, mage right vehemently preached, some cursing - mainly at the templar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-17
Updated: 2015-12-17
Packaged: 2018-05-07 07:19:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5447996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeroMaggie/pseuds/HeroMaggie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gia and Maggie have a shopping day planned with Isabela and Merrill. All is going well until Merrill and Maggie sit down for tea. Then it's templars, yelling, mage-rights spewing, and dildo throwing...</p>
<p>Not necessarily in that order.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not the Boss of Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [draco_illius_noctis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/draco_illius_noctis/gifts).



> This is a friend-fic to make my friend Gia smile, laugh, giggle, and cackle. If you read this - note that a) this is supposed to be ridiculously stupid, b) this is ridiculously stupid, and c) we both refuse to apologize for snogging our favorite characters.
> 
> Read at your own risk.
> 
> No templars were ACTUALLY harmed in the writing of this...but only because I have such terrible aim...

Hawke placed more sausage on his plate, smiling and thanking Orana as she dropped off a platter of toast.“Maggie is going with you today, correct?” Hawke glanced up at Gia, who nodded. “Good. I don’t think this job will take too long. Or I hope not. Blast Meredith and her conniving ways.”

“Oo...doing a job for the Chantry?” Gia poked at her eggs and carefully slid them away from the sausage on her plate. Hawke watched as she constructed a small tower out of the sausage and a yellow mountain out of the eggs before eating.

“Um...no. Orsino. A mage has gone missing. He’s hoping I find her before Meredith’s templars. What are you doing?” Hawke rested his chin on his hand, a grin on his face.

“I...ah...let’s not talk about it. I just like my plate orderly,” Gia explained.

“Bethy’s like that. A place for everything and everything in its place. Including turnips - and she said their place is anywhere but on her plate.” Hawke chuckled. “As long as the food is good. Can’t have you unhappy”

Gia just beamed and dug into her eggs. “We’re going out with Isabela and Merrill. Is that alright?”

“Oh yeah. You’ll either come back with a pile of purchases or join a mercenary gang. I hope it’s the first one, by the way. And don’t let them drag you to the Emporium. No...no...do you know what happened the last time we were there? I’ll take you myself...stop pouting, Gia. Oh man, stop it…” Hawke gave a groan and scooted away from the table. “Come here.”

Gia stopped pouting and hopped up, nearly flying around the table and into his arms. “You goof. Fine. No Emporium.”

“Here’s a pouch of money. There’s some in there for Maggie...just in case. I know Fenris has money, but he tends to spend it on Anders.” Hawke grinned. “And don’t let Isabela talk you into anything too indecent.”

Gia waggled her eyebrows and perched on Hawke’s lap, stealing a bite of his sausage. “Got it. And you, no killing mages or dragging them back to Meredith.”

“I’ll have Anders with me. What do you think is going to happen to those mages?” Hawke wrapped one arm around her waist and hugged her to his chest.

“Mm...Mage Freedom!”

“Yeah...or dead templars. Or both.”

“Well, as long as the mages are alright,” Gia said, cuddling closer. “Wouldn’t want to fall for a guy who isn’t pro-mage.” Hawke just chuckled and handed her a piece of buttered toast.

***

“M’dead,” Maggie mumbled, shuffling around the kitchen. “Somebody grind the beans. Can’t.”

Anders held out his hand and chuckled as the grinder was slapped into his grip. “Sorry, dearest. Were we too rough?”

“Mm?” Maggie blinked at him. “Rough?”

“Come here.” He held out his arms and Maggie stumbled to stand between his knees, leaning against him as warm hands slid down her back. “Sore?”

“Fenris bites,” Maggie whined. “And...I’m walking funny. And my hip has a twinge.”

Fenris chuckled, his head pressed to the table. Anders and Maggie turned to look at him and the elf just grinned sleepily. “I do not see breakfast, woman. Mage, fix her so she can cook.”

“If he keeps this up, I’m going to bite him back,” Maggie whispered to Anders who just shrugged and healed her hip. “Oh. I think I love you.”

Anders patted her bum in response. “I’ll grind the beans. Go start the water.”

“Mkay. Fine. Yes. Beans. Water. Um...pancakes. I think.” She shuffled into the food pantry and started mumbling something about oats and milk and flour. There was a sudden “haaa!” and then Maggie was shuffling back out with a bag of flour. “Pancakes.”

“What are pancakes?” Fenris had lifted his head to blink at her.

“You know. Little flat cakes made in a griddle? No? Prepare to be amazed.” She shuffled to the cold box and rummaged for eggs and milk, muttering as she pulled out butter.

“You’re shopping today, yes?” Anders shook the grinder and returned to processing the beans.

“Mm, with Gia, Isabela, and Merrill. I promise to not buy anything Isabela recommends,” Maggie said. “Where will you be?”

“Finding some lost mage and trying not to kill them,” Fenris groused. “Probably a maleficar.”

“She’s probably scared,” Anders retorted.

“Evil…”

“Too early to start your ranting…”

“Not you, mage...but…”

“You can’t just make blanket statements, it’s unjust…”

Maggie watched as Fenris sat up and the two of them began to bicker. She yawned, walked to Anders, and kissed hem. Then she moved to Fenris and kissed him. On the way back to the work table, she nabbed the beans. “I won.” The words were smug.

“You do not play fair,” Fenris said.

“Sorry. Still won.” Maggie ignored him.

“I will punish you later. Now make breakfast.” Fenris returned to resting against the table.

“You are so damn bossy, you know that? Bossy.” Maggie shook a wooden spoon at him.

He grinned, “Only when I really like a person. And Maggie, I especially liked the noises you made last night.”

Maggie gaped and Anders laughed. “He won.”

“Shut it you.” Maggie went back to stirring.

***

“We’re here!” Isabela’s voice rang up the stairs. “Where’s Gia?”

“Here!” Gia waved from the top of the stairs. She gave a squeal as Hawke hoisted her into a bridal carry and stumped down the stairs.

“I’m so excited. We’re going to look at hats and dresses,” Merrill chattered.

“And silky underthings,” Isabela added.

“You are to help her get actual clothing, Izzy. Stuff that covers her.” Hawke put Gia down and pulled her into a quick kiss. “Here’s a money pouch. Use it all on you and Maggie. Got it? Be back by dinner. I don’t think our errand will take all day.”

“Kay.” Gia was peering into the pouch, poking at the coins. “Pretty.”

“Spend it all. Get fancy things.” Hawke pulled her into a hug. “Don’t wander into alleys. Keep the money close or somebody will nab it.”

“Hawke. She’ll be with me. I’ll keep her and and her friend safe,” Isabela rolled her eyes. “Now come on! I know the best place for hats. And for lunch, we’ll hit up this little Orlesian cafe. They have these tiny cakes that are to die for.”

“You know an Orlesian cafe?” Hawke asked, wary surprise in his voice.

“Mm. Let’s just say the chef and I cooked up some fun together.” Isabela bumped her generous hip against Gia, laughed, and sashayed towards the front door. Merrill gave a giggle, grabbed Gia’s hand, and pulled her along.

“Bye Hawke!” Gia called as she was pulled out into the street.

“So, Sweet Thing. What do you like to wear?” Isabela wrapped an arm around Gia’s shoulders and squeezed.

“Mm...comfortable clothing mostly. Maggie’s big into sundresses and no shoes.”

Merrill hummed and skipped around them both, making Isabela chuckle. “I know just where to take you both, then.”

“Hopefully someplace with silky underthings. I could use new lingerie,” Gia whispered the words.

“I know the best place for that stuff. Don’t you even worry.” Isabela came to a stop and banged on a slightly weathered door. She waited for a beat and banged again, gave a sigh, and pulled out a lockpick...from her bosoms. “These two are probably snogging. Always are.”

“Lucky Maggie,” Gia murmured.

Isabela snorted as the lock snicked open. She pushed the door in, stepping inside and motioning for Gia and Merrill to follow. A few steps in and the sound of feet had all three women moving back against the wall closest to the front door.

“No! I don’t wanna!” Maggie’s voice was heard before she was seen scampering into the foyer, turning to head towards the stairs. “I refuse!”

“Maggie, get back here.” Fenris stalked in, stopped to glare at Isabela, and then swiveled his head. “If you go upstairs, I will be most upset with you.”

“I am not wearing the buckle outfit again. You can’t make me. Oh! Hey Gia! Isabela...Merrill! Hi! Gah! Anders! Help!” Maggie started backing up the stairs. “You’re not the boss of me.”

“Woman!” Fenris barked.

“Stop saying that!” Maggie huffed, stomping.

Fenris grinned. “It is the truth. You are my woman. Now, you will allow our mage to buckle you into your coat.”

“Gah! How can I try clothes on if I’m...I’m...all tied up?”

Anders’ snort of amusement had Maggie grumbling. “Now Fenris, quit menacing her.”

“She refuses to dress…”

“You really aren’t our boss, you know.”

“Mage…”

“Elf…”

“You two, quit it.”

“The sexual tension. Fairly makes me shiver,” Isabela whispered to Gia, who nodded. “Who do you think tops?”

“Fenris,” Gia said, waving at Maggie. “Does she look bruised to you? Hey! Why does Maggie have bruises...look...look at your collarbone…”

Maggie slapped a hand over her collarbone. “Maybe the coat is a fabulous idea.”

“I said I could heal those,” Anders said.

“And I said I wanted the momento...in the deep hopes Fenris wouldn’t chew on me tonight. Stop. Smiling.” Maggie went back to stomping. “Oh...Gia...no…”

Gia had reached Fenris, pulled back her arm, and punched him in the shoulder. “How dare you!”

“Do not punch me.”

“You bit her!” Gia was waving at Maggie, who was trying to become one with the staircase.

“I am tired of this conversation.” Fenris stepped away from Gia, hoisted Maggie over his shoulder, and headed upstairs. “She shall be down momentarily. Mage, entertain them.”

“I swear he’s not the boss,” Anders said apologetically. “Ah...how about...the sitting room!”

“Does she need help?” Merrill asked, watching as Maggie pummeled Fenris’ back.

“No. Fenris enjoys this. So does she. I rather do myself, come to think of it. Hey...while you all are out...think you could look for a cat?” Anders asked as he led the women into the sitting room. “Maybe a tabby?”

Gia let out a giggle, the sound cutting off when the sitting room door closed.

***

“You know, the entire phrase shop till you drop has new meaning now,” Maggie moaned. “My feet are so sore.”

“I can look at them for you. Do we need to sit?” Merrill hovered around Maggie. “Why don’t we sit here and have tea while Isabela and Gia go into that shop?”

“What shop is that?” Maggie squinted.

Gia let out a loud giggle, Isabela cackling a little. “Maggie!” Gia skipped over to them. “We’re going to look at hand carved toys. Wanna come with?” The words were whispered.

“I’m going to have tea. You go on ahead. I don’t want to encourage Fenris. Ever.” Maggie slunk back into her seat, much to Gia’s amusement.

“Spoil sport. Last shop and then we’ll go. I still have a few coins in here. Do you need any more funds?”

“Naw. I’m good for tea and snacks. Go have fun. I’m just glad to be out of the buckle coat.” Maggie watched Gia bounce off, her dress flitting around her. “You know, she looks good in those thigh-high boots.”

“You could have gotten some.” Merrill picked up the small menu to see what was on the day's list.

“Blech. No thank you. I hate wearing shoes as it is.” Maggie peered at her menu. “Oo...petit fours. Want some tiny cakes?”

“Oh! Yes!” Merrill gave a tiny wiggle.

Twisting in her chair, Maggie caught the eye of a waitress and waved her over. “Two teas and your platter of today’s little cakes. Please?”

“Yes Messere. Is, ah...your servant…”

“My friend. She’s my friend. Problem with that?” Maggie stared hard at the waitress.

“Ah. No. Thank you, Messere.” The waitress bobbed a tiny curtsy and hurried off.

“Bunch of bigoted idiots,” Maggie muttered.

“Hush, you are kind to stick up for me...” The clanking of armor drowned out the rest of Merrill’s words.

Four tall, armored...people...stopped in front of Merrill. “What is that stick you have there, elf?”

Merrill opened her mouth and shut it when Maggie squinted. “Excuse you. Rude much?”

“We weren’t speaking to you. Are you an apostate? Do not try to lie to us.” The first armored man said first to Maggie and then to Merrill.

“At a tea cafe? In Hightown?” Maggie stood up, ignoring Merrill’s frantic hand gestures. “Or were you hoping to menace two unsuspecting women - one of them an elf with obvious Dalish tattoos...because you think we’re harmless targets that won’t go crying to your Knight Commander if you touch us? Hmm? Which is it tinhead.”

“Look ‘ere. We might start thinking you’re an apostate.” The first armored man said, voice a little more menacing.

“Feel free to rough me up, moron. Go ahead. Because I’m not a mage and I’m not going to shut up about you harassing people. Go do your job...your proper job. Pray for your souls and then look for actual maleficarum. I’ll give you some help. They like dark caves and the sewers. Now, unless you’re going to take off your stupid helmets and learn some manners, I suggest you leave. Now.” Maggie was poking the talking templar in his chest plate. “Overgrown, metal-cased...bullies…”

“Problem here?” Hawke’s voice drawled out from across the square.

“Champion...We were just interrogating these apostates. No need for your help.” The second templar reached out and grabbed Maggie.

“I would let her go, Templar.” Fenris growled.

“I am so writing a letter to Meredith about this. And Elthina. And the Divine. And I’m going to tell them that your helmets are stupid.” Maggie kicked at the templar holding her. “You know, if I was a mage, I’d fill your armor with water. Stupid...tincan wearing...idiots.”

“Maggie!” Hawke barked.

“Hawke! What are you doing here? Why is that templar holding Maggie? Get off of her you creep!” Gia let out a scream and flew across the short distance - a stone dildo in one hand. Her hand pulled back and the dildo clanged soundly over the second templar’s helmet.

“Miss...Miss...please stop…” The first templar was grabbing for Gia.

The other two templars had slowly backed away, unrestrained laughter making their helmets shake. Gia leapt up and hung from the second templar’s shoulders, her feet kicking out. Between Gia and Maggie, the templar went down...his helmet being wrestled off. Gia took the opportunity to hit him on the head with the dildo.’

“Your name.” Maggie was straddling his chest. “Now.”

“Ser...Ser Williams...please don’t hit me again. I’m sorry.” The man held up his hands.

The first templar had pulled his sword, but stopped when Fenris pulled his. “Look...I think we can all agree that this was a misunderstanding.”

“Maggie. I love you but...get off that templar now,” Anders was sniggering. “I can’t believe you hit him with a dildo, Gia. A dildo.”

“That’s my girl!” Hawke beamed. “She’s so fierce! Come here. Let me see you. Oh! Look at your boots!”

“Fenris, stop it. Stop. It. Stop it.” Maggie was slapping at Fenris, who was trying to pull her off the templar. “I’m not done with them.”

“You won. Get up. Now.”

“Not the boss of me!” Maggie crossed her arms and stuck out her tongue. “You. Name. Now.”

“Ser Albert...I...ah...Champion, is that your…” The first templar slowly pulled off his helmet.

“Why are you bothering Maggie, anyway?” Hawke raised one eyebrow.

“They were harassing Merrill, because she’s an elf and they’re bullies.” Maggie spit.

“She has a staff…”

“Oh, a Dalish with a walking stick. Big fucking surprise.” Maggie glared.

“Maggie doesn’t even have a stick...staff...thing…” Gia yelled, shaking the stone dildo at Ser Albert.

“Yes well...Templar business…” Ser Albert fumbled.

“I’m telling Cullen about you. Just you wait. He might say stupid things, but deep down he’s...he’s...Gia, help me out here.” Maggie shrugged.

“Hot?” Gia supplied.

“Er…” Maggie scrunched up her nose and gazed down at Ser William in thought. “Um...sure...we can go with that.”

“Hey! You think Cullen’s hot?” Hawke was pouting.

“Not hotter than you.” Gia soothed.

“Better not be. My Gia.”

“Oh my god, you do it too.” Maggie gaped. Her gaping turned to a gasp as Fenris hoisted her up. “Hey!”

“I am taking you home. It is obvious that you should not be without proper supervision.” Fenris growled, albeit with a small smile.

“Fine. Fine. Where’s that basket?” Maggie beamed as Merrill pointed to the ground.

“Where are your clothes? Tell me you bought more than that one outfit.” Fenris squinted at her.

“At home. We ran them home. Isabela wanted to look at dildos and I...ah…” The basket let out a mrrp. “Um…”

“Is that…” Ander gasped.

Maggie held the basket out to him and grinned. “A tabby. I like Pretty Princess for a name.”

“Oh. I do too. Good name choice. Oh look at you!” Anders cooed into the basket.

“A cat?” Fenris gave her a flat look.

Gia showed the dildo to Hawke, who lit up. “I have a small box in that store. Wanna get it and go home to look through it?”

“I’m so keeping you,” Hawke enthused. “You all good to get Maggie home.”

“Do not let us keep you.” Fenris said.

“Lookit the kitty!” Anders was cooing.

“Your gift is at home, Fenris.” Maggie leaned against his shoulder, smiling at Anders. “I’ll give it to you tonight.”

“You bought me a gift?” Fenris perked up. “For me?”

“Yeah...why not? Isabela pointed it out. It’s pink, it’s frilly, and you’ll have fun trying to get it off me and Anders.” Maggie watched Anders’ head pop up, his cheeks blazing red.

“Maggie, I do believe I will keep you.” Fenris purred.

“Yeah...I figured…”

**Author's Note:**

> I can be found on Tumblr as Warriormaggie...
> 
> I take prompts  
> I will write silly things to make you laugh.


End file.
